Toad Props

In the course of researching my last entry (yes, apparently I "research" now), I came across a great site: www.toadalamode.com.

(O.K., it's actually kind of an Onion wannabe site, but it's got some great stuff, like this:
http://www.toadalamode.com/bushpresswords.html.)

Let the Eagle Snore

I didn't watch much of the inaugural last Tuesday. I was subjected to some of it involuntarily in the cafeteria at work, and I did flip on CNN occasionally out of some masochistic impulse cleverly disguised as morbid curiosity. Also, I did read a transcript of Bush's speech. I won't even get into my opinion on that right now except to say that the lyrics "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" have taken on a whole new meaning.

Luckily for me and the rest of the world, the networks were there to cover EVERY FRIGGIN' MINUTE of the festivities. Were you a bit curious about what the lovely and semi-comatose Mrs. Bush was wearing that day? You could easily find two-plus hours of coverage on that very topic if you worked the remote properly. Care to see an endless parade of photos showing people gathering at various places of gatheringhood (coffee shops, bars, conference rooms, homes) to watch the very thing you tuned in to see yourself? Try any of the very familiar alphabet-soup news channels and you were sure to catch some such montage within the hour. (I am haunted by an image of people watching a screen showing people watching a screen showing people watching a screen. . . . ) And if you are one of those people who get a kick out of tracking the president's every boring, mundane move over the course of a day, you were really in luck! (Good thing Dubya was more accessible last Thursday than he was on 9/11! That would have been a REAL bummer!)

The ultimate treat of the day, however, had to be the rousing rendition (sung by some yahoo whose name I can't recall while a bunch of the president's entourage was walking along some hallway to somewhere) of former attorney general John Ashcroft's patriotic song, "Let the Eagle Soar." If you've never heard this little ditty, you've obviously been living under a rock--a wonderful, blessed rock of safety and comfort. For a little background on the origins and history of the "song," read this. For a hilarious set of alternative lyrics, click here and read the second verse. (If you want to hear the actual "song," you'll have to Google it yourself--I just can't bring myself to put that out there.) To summarize the . . . I guess you'd call them lyrics, basically the eagle soars from shore to shore and it's all glorious and God is great and yadda yadda yadda. In one of the more ironic moments of the night, at one point the coverage of the playing of this song was followed by a commercial--maybe you've seen it?--of an actual eagle TRYING to soar but instead coughing and gagging from the excessive air pollution brought on by lax environmental controls, which as many of you know are a trademark of this ADMINISTRATION, who was using the "Let the Eagle Soar" song to promote its own ALLEGED PATRIOTISM. . . .

(Please pardon me while I gag and spit in rage and frustration.)

O.K. But the original gripe of this post was supposed to be, Why do the networks have to spend ALL FRIGGIN' DAY covering this event where BASICALLY NOTHING HAPPENS and it's COMPLETELY BORING?

Of course, the boringness could all be in the semantics. The very word "inauguration" conjures up boring notions of formality and the raising of hands and long, dull speeches and pomp, pomp, pomp. Maybe that's why FOX News decided to vamp things up, and instead of calling it an "inauguration" instead went with the more hip, exciting term "celebration"?

Yeah, I'm sure that's why. It couldn't possibly be anything else, like BIAS, right?

Let Them Eat Cake

As many of you know, I work for a large corporation. Like many such corporations, mine is very into the charitable contribution/tax break game, but it also puts a pretty hefty emphasis on encouraging individual fundraising and community involvement. As a result, we employees are always in the midst of some kind of activity, donation drive, fundraising event, etc. We donate food and clothing to the homeless. We march for the cure for breast cancer. And sometimes, like today, we pay $5 for the privilege of wearing jeans to work; the money is then donated to a worthy cause. Today's cause is "Support Our Troops," so the money collected from today's jeans day will supposedly be sent to the soldiers in Iraq.

Thinking about all of this, I couldn't help but be reminded of a bumper sticker that was popular about a decade ago. It said something like, “Wouldn’t it be nice if our schools had all the money they needed, and the government had to hold a bake sale to buy more weapons?”

Looking around at all the jeans and yellow ribbons at work today, I came up with a slogan for a new bumper sticker:

“Wouldn’t it be nice if our troops had all the armor they needed, and the president had to hold a ‘Wear Jeans to Work’ day to pay for his lavish multimillion-dollar inaugural bashes?”

Hmm . . . too long to fit on a sticker, maybe. But a fitting sentiment after the disgusting displays of yesterday.

Beauty Is in the Eye

I saw a really weird infomercial this weekend, and since all infomercials are weird, you know this one must have really been a doozy to even merit mention. It opened with a shot of a woman attempting, ineptly, to apply mascara. This woman made repeated attempts to brush the little wand over her eyelash, poked herself in the eye, and then threw the wand down in frustration. Then there was a shot of another woman trying to affix a false eyelash (one of those massive spidery things) to her eyelid, only to have it dangle off and hang down over her cheek while she sat there, blinking stupidly. Meanwhile, we have a voiceover: “Do you have sparse, barely-there eyelashes? Have you always wanted long, thick lashes but are fed up with conventional methods of obtaining them?” Then for the pitch: “Introducing MagicLash, the quick, safe, easy, way to achieve long, lush eyelashes—permanently!” After this, we are treated to a montage of women using the fantastic MagicLash product, accompanied by before-and-after photos featuring hairless freaks in the former and Elizabeth Taylor look-alikes in the latter.

There are so many things wrong with this. Where to begin?

1. The name of the product itself—MagicLash. It sounds like the ultimate S&M/fantasy-gaming prop created by some demented freak you’d never want to meet.
2. The way to apply the fantastic MagicLash formula is—are you ready?—by using a mascara brush. How this product could possibly be used “safely” by the woman in the first shot who almost blinded herself has thus far escaped me.
3. In the “But Wait! You Also Get . . . “ portion at the end of the infomercial, they promise that for $19.95 you will receive not one, but two tubes of MagicLash. But Wait! If MagicLash is “quick” and “permanent,” why would you need two tubes? Hmmmm . . .

And the most disturbing of all—also in the “But Wait! You Also Get . . . “ bit at the end, to accompany your MagicLash kit, you will also receive a HEATED EYELASH CURLER. I shit you not. This thing is like a teeny tiny curling iron—for your eyelashes! When I thought again of Ms. Mascara Eye Poke and Ms. Dangling Fake Lash, true horror-movie scenes flashed before my eyes. I am extremely disturbed by the idea that there may be HEATED EYELASH CURLERS floating around out there loose in the world, just waiting to fall into the wrong hands (and corneas).

See, weird, huh?

You say you want a resolution . . .

Well, you know . . . we'd all love to change the world. Let me be clear on this: I do not believe in resolutions. Nevertheless, it is a new year, and since it's been exactly a month since my last post, it seems as good a time as any to take a step back and do a bit of evaluating.

There's something about that first week of January, isn't there? The holidays are over, and everything is back to "normal," whatever that is, so there's a feeling of living out a slow, almost tangible sigh, of relief, of weariness, of a bit of regret, maybe, for the passing of another year. Also, if you live somewhere like The Big Swing State of Idiots, you are looking at a few months of cold and dreary and dark ahead of you, when everyone kind of hibernates and sleeps and reads and watches T.V., and you're home so much even your pets get sick of looking at you, and you don't get enough exercise, and dammit, there's just nothing to DO here in the winter.

But it doesn't really have to be that way, does it? You can be productive, if you want to and put your mind to it. For example, you can blog . . .

So here I sit, staring at the computer and sucking on a piece of red licorice in lieu of smoking which, as some of you know, Jackspatula and I have "given up" recently.

THIS IS NOT A RESOLUTION.

In preparation for quitting this thing I have been doing for 20 years, I actually bought a self-help book. I loathe self-help books. Inevitably, they contain a paragraph or two of completely obvious, common-sense advice, enveloped by a couple hundred pages of repetitive filler designed, primarily, to make money for the author. In my defense, I did not set out to buy this book--I was just strolling innocently through Barnes & Noble, minding my own business, and the insipid thing kind of jumped out at me, and in a moment of weakness I bought it. I will never buy another self-help book.

THIS IS NOT A RESOLUTION.

To drive home to you, dear reader, just how stupid it was of me to buy this book, I will share the title with you. The title is, "The Easy Way to Stop Smoking." Yeah, I know. As anyone who has ever smoked (and many who have never smoked) will tell you, there is no easy way to stop smoking. I know this. Man, do I know this. I knew this when I bought the book. But honestly, aren't you a tiny bit curious about what this "easy way" might entail? Allow me to save you $15 and let the cat out of the bag right now. According to the book's author, Allen Carr (who actually trademarked the "Allen Carr EasyWay to Stop Smoking), becoming a nonsmoker involves two simple steps:

1. Make the decision that you are never going to smoke again.
2. Don't mope about it. Rejoice!

Seriously, that's the entire "EasyWay." I would like to humbly add another step:

3. Whenever you have a craving, take your useless copy of "The Easy Way to Stop Smoking" and hit Allen Carr over the head with it. Repeat as necessary.

Of course, going on my own experience, old Allen would soon have a concussion or would be dead after day 1, so maybe #3 isn't a good idea.

Seriously, his basic theme is that you are not "giving up" anything, but rather, you are gaining--health, wealth, gratitude of loved ones, etc. (True enough.) He goes on and on about how you shouldn't feel deprived at all, because you are actually becoming "liberated" from the "crushing prison" of the "evil weed." (I've been expecting to start feeling like Nelson Mandela at any moment, but so far, nothing.) He also states repeatedly that it is a myth that smoking is "pleasurable," and instead says that it is a "devastating drug addiction."

O.K., I can see his points (which are no great revelation in the first place), but the problem is that his basic dichotomy is flawed. The terms "pleasurable" and "addiction," you see, are not mutually exclusive--there is such a thing as a pleasurable addiction! Which is what smoking is for a lot of people, and what it was for me for a long time! So although I am quitting, and there are many reasons for doing so, and I'm doing it of my own free will, I'm NOT going to fucking "rejoice" about it Allen Carr you stupid annoying idiot!!!

One last comment, and then I'll let it go. Allen Carr is, in fact, a former smoker, and before he quit, he was smoking 100 cigarettes a day. That's five packs. Five packs a day! I think if I was smoking that much, I too might rejoice. . . that I could breathe again. Not only would his habit have entailed him having a cigarette in his mouth pretty much every waking moment, he would have been spending about $15 a day on smokes. Those of us who smoked less than a pack a day can't really relate to his sentiments of "liberation." At least he's recouping all that money through sales of this stupid book.

Anyhoo, I vow, dear reader, not to let another month go by between posts.

THIS IS NOT A RESOLUTION.

[Confidential to Lulu: I am older than you. If you don't stop writing in your blog about how you are "too old" to do this and "too old" to do that, I'm going to hit you over the head with a book.]