You say you want a resolution . . .

Well, you know . . . we'd all love to change the world. Let me be clear on this: I do not believe in resolutions. Nevertheless, it is a new year, and since it's been exactly a month since my last post, it seems as good a time as any to take a step back and do a bit of evaluating.

There's something about that first week of January, isn't there? The holidays are over, and everything is back to "normal," whatever that is, so there's a feeling of living out a slow, almost tangible sigh, of relief, of weariness, of a bit of regret, maybe, for the passing of another year. Also, if you live somewhere like The Big Swing State of Idiots, you are looking at a few months of cold and dreary and dark ahead of you, when everyone kind of hibernates and sleeps and reads and watches T.V., and you're home so much even your pets get sick of looking at you, and you don't get enough exercise, and dammit, there's just nothing to DO here in the winter.

But it doesn't really have to be that way, does it? You can be productive, if you want to and put your mind to it. For example, you can blog . . .

So here I sit, staring at the computer and sucking on a piece of red licorice in lieu of smoking which, as some of you know, Jackspatula and I have "given up" recently.

THIS IS NOT A RESOLUTION.

In preparation for quitting this thing I have been doing for 20 years, I actually bought a self-help book. I loathe self-help books. Inevitably, they contain a paragraph or two of completely obvious, common-sense advice, enveloped by a couple hundred pages of repetitive filler designed, primarily, to make money for the author. In my defense, I did not set out to buy this book--I was just strolling innocently through Barnes & Noble, minding my own business, and the insipid thing kind of jumped out at me, and in a moment of weakness I bought it. I will never buy another self-help book.

THIS IS NOT A RESOLUTION.

To drive home to you, dear reader, just how stupid it was of me to buy this book, I will share the title with you. The title is, "The Easy Way to Stop Smoking." Yeah, I know. As anyone who has ever smoked (and many who have never smoked) will tell you, there is no easy way to stop smoking. I know this. Man, do I know this. I knew this when I bought the book. But honestly, aren't you a tiny bit curious about what this "easy way" might entail? Allow me to save you $15 and let the cat out of the bag right now. According to the book's author, Allen Carr (who actually trademarked the "Allen Carr EasyWay to Stop Smoking), becoming a nonsmoker involves two simple steps:

1. Make the decision that you are never going to smoke again.
2. Don't mope about it. Rejoice!

Seriously, that's the entire "EasyWay." I would like to humbly add another step:

3. Whenever you have a craving, take your useless copy of "The Easy Way to Stop Smoking" and hit Allen Carr over the head with it. Repeat as necessary.

Of course, going on my own experience, old Allen would soon have a concussion or would be dead after day 1, so maybe #3 isn't a good idea.

Seriously, his basic theme is that you are not "giving up" anything, but rather, you are gaining--health, wealth, gratitude of loved ones, etc. (True enough.) He goes on and on about how you shouldn't feel deprived at all, because you are actually becoming "liberated" from the "crushing prison" of the "evil weed." (I've been expecting to start feeling like Nelson Mandela at any moment, but so far, nothing.) He also states repeatedly that it is a myth that smoking is "pleasurable," and instead says that it is a "devastating drug addiction."

O.K., I can see his points (which are no great revelation in the first place), but the problem is that his basic dichotomy is flawed. The terms "pleasurable" and "addiction," you see, are not mutually exclusive--there is such a thing as a pleasurable addiction! Which is what smoking is for a lot of people, and what it was for me for a long time! So although I am quitting, and there are many reasons for doing so, and I'm doing it of my own free will, I'm NOT going to fucking "rejoice" about it Allen Carr you stupid annoying idiot!!!

One last comment, and then I'll let it go. Allen Carr is, in fact, a former smoker, and before he quit, he was smoking 100 cigarettes a day. That's five packs. Five packs a day! I think if I was smoking that much, I too might rejoice. . . that I could breathe again. Not only would his habit have entailed him having a cigarette in his mouth pretty much every waking moment, he would have been spending about $15 a day on smokes. Those of us who smoked less than a pack a day can't really relate to his sentiments of "liberation." At least he's recouping all that money through sales of this stupid book.

Anyhoo, I vow, dear reader, not to let another month go by between posts.

THIS IS NOT A RESOLUTION.

[Confidential to Lulu: I am older than you. If you don't stop writing in your blog about how you are "too old" to do this and "too old" to do that, I'm going to hit you over the head with a book.]