Beauty Is in the Eye

I saw a really weird infomercial this weekend, and since all infomercials are weird, you know this one must have really been a doozy to even merit mention. It opened with a shot of a woman attempting, ineptly, to apply mascara. This woman made repeated attempts to brush the little wand over her eyelash, poked herself in the eye, and then threw the wand down in frustration. Then there was a shot of another woman trying to affix a false eyelash (one of those massive spidery things) to her eyelid, only to have it dangle off and hang down over her cheek while she sat there, blinking stupidly. Meanwhile, we have a voiceover: “Do you have sparse, barely-there eyelashes? Have you always wanted long, thick lashes but are fed up with conventional methods of obtaining them?” Then for the pitch: “Introducing MagicLash, the quick, safe, easy, way to achieve long, lush eyelashes—permanently!” After this, we are treated to a montage of women using the fantastic MagicLash product, accompanied by before-and-after photos featuring hairless freaks in the former and Elizabeth Taylor look-alikes in the latter.

There are so many things wrong with this. Where to begin?

1. The name of the product itself—MagicLash. It sounds like the ultimate S&M/fantasy-gaming prop created by some demented freak you’d never want to meet.
2. The way to apply the fantastic MagicLash formula is—are you ready?—by using a mascara brush. How this product could possibly be used “safely” by the woman in the first shot who almost blinded herself has thus far escaped me.
3. In the “But Wait! You Also Get . . . “ portion at the end of the infomercial, they promise that for $19.95 you will receive not one, but two tubes of MagicLash. But Wait! If MagicLash is “quick” and “permanent,” why would you need two tubes? Hmmmm . . .

And the most disturbing of all—also in the “But Wait! You Also Get . . . “ bit at the end, to accompany your MagicLash kit, you will also receive a HEATED EYELASH CURLER. I shit you not. This thing is like a teeny tiny curling iron—for your eyelashes! When I thought again of Ms. Mascara Eye Poke and Ms. Dangling Fake Lash, true horror-movie scenes flashed before my eyes. I am extremely disturbed by the idea that there may be HEATED EYELASH CURLERS floating around out there loose in the world, just waiting to fall into the wrong hands (and corneas).

See, weird, huh?