A Childhood More Messed Up Than Mine (or Yours)

I have a new favorite author, and I simply must share. While in Seattle, I borrowed a book from Christine called Running_With_Scissors, by Augusten Burroughs. It's a memoir, and I should warn you about two things: 1) I could not put it down, and 2) it's not for everyone. It's outrageous, fantastic, hilarious, often unbelievable, and sometimes very offensive. In other words, everything genius should be. His honesty is, well . . . shocking. (If I haven't managed to pique your interest yet, give me a call when you wake up from your coma, and I'll try again.) I won't give anything away, but let's just say his childhood was . . . extremely unusual. It was also very conducive to his becoming a writer and producing a shocking memoir. It's a truth of writing that those of us who still have family and friends who we care about and do not wish to hurt or offend simply cannot be as open and honest in our writing as we sometimes wish we could, especially not in a memoir. Burroughs does not have these hang-ups. This is a mixed blessing, however, and a dubious one, since his background also led to certain events and behaviors that produced his second memoir . . .

Dry, which I immediately bought and consumed in two days after finishing Scissors in two days. It was equally supurb. Also enlightening. If you've ever worried that maybe you drink a little too much, read this book and be reassured. You will think, "Well, at least I don't go through a fifth of Dewar's every night, followed oftentimes by a few bottles of hard cider that I don't even remember opening, and at least I've never dabbed cologne all over my tongue in the morning to try to mask the stench of alcohol and then show up to work reeking like a distillery anyway, and at least I don't sleep through important client meetings on a regular basis, and at least I don't have almost 1,500 empty beer bottles lying all over my apartment and not even realize it." (Of course, I also haven't cleaned up my act and gone on to write two bestselling memoirs, but that's for another period of reflection.) Am I giving something away by saying that Burroughs became a raging alcoholic? I'll say no more--just read these books.

Speaking of addictions, I haven't gotten enough of him yet. I got his novel (Sellevision) and his latest memoir (Magical Thinking) from the library and will dig in soon. You should join me.

Back to Ohio

The time has come for me to acknowledge that I have completely broken my "every three days" promise. And that I have failed to record anything about my Seattle trip, which I've been back from for exactly one week today. And that I haven't even provided any poker updates, which were also promised. And that I should probably stop making promises about how often I will blog, not that any of you would believe me anyway.

Whew, I feel much better, don't you? It's good to acknowledge one's shortcomings once in a while. And now, without further ado:

THINGS I DID ON MY SEATTLE TRIP

1. Attended brother's rehearsal dinner, which was actually a cookout and a lot of fun.
2. Attended brother's wedding. Beautiful and sweet and also a lot of fun.
3. Hung out with family. Fun. (From this point on, let's just assume that everything I did was fun unless otherwise indicated.)
4. Attended impromptu dinner party at my friend Christine's house. (This is also where I stayed for most of the time I was there. Thanks, Chris!)
5. Visited the Seattle Music Experience, where I learned everything I never knew I wanted to know about Bob Dylan and Jimi Hendrix.
6. Saw Bob Schneider concert at a dinner theater, which was very different and cool.
7. Read 2 1/2 books.
8. Saw Cowboy Junkies concert at the zoo.
9. Went to Portland for two nights with Christine. While there, I
a. Ate well
b. Drank too much
c. Walked from one end of Portland proper to the other about 16 times
d. Talked with Christine about 12,000 things
e. Sustained an injury while dancing

Hopefully, soon I'll get it together enough to start posting some pictures of these adventures. Stay tuned.

POKER UPDATE: Before I left for Seattle, I decided to cash in my account, which was around $100. So, when I got home, there was a check waiting for me. A couple of days later, I put $100 back into my account. For those of you keeping track, all of that constituted a couple of completely wasted transactions. But it's all good--I've been playing off and on for a week, have gone up and down a bit, and am currently sitting on $80 in chips.

WARNING! This one is all about poker.

So if you're not interested, tune out now.

POKER UPDATE: THE RUNNING TALLY OF MY BANKROLL

AKA, AN EVENING IN THE LIFE OF A SEMI-SERIOUS ONLINE POKER PLAYER

All right, after a long day of doing hard work around the house, I finally settled down to play poker at around 5:00. It it now 10:00. I took about an hour off to eat dinner. Other that that, here's what happened tonight. (Note that I am rounding all totals off to the nearest $5.)

Beginning bankroll: $160
Entered $10 tournament (10-seated). Busted out 4th. Bankroll: $150
Played ring game for about 2 hours. Did not do well. Bankroll: $60
Entered $20 tournament (6-seated). Came in 2nd. Bankroll: $75
Entered $10 tournament (10-seated). Came in 1st. Bankroll: $115
Played ring game for about 15 minutes. Did well. Bankroll: $150
Entered $20 tournament (10-seated). Came in 1st. Bankroll: $230

So now I am up $70 for tonight. Isn't this fascinating? I'm going to play one more $20 tournament, only because Jackspatula is too tired to watch "Hotel Rwanda," which I am dying to see. If I lose, it's his fault. (Baby, I am kidding. Love you!)

An accomplishment, and another list

[Note: Read previous post first.]

O.K., I have mopped the kitchen floor! This always feels like a major accomplishment, although I can't help wondering how clean the kitchen floor actually is. This is because we've had the same kitchen mop for about 6 years, and frankly, it's pretty gross. The thing is, every time I go to Target and consider buying a new mop, I go look at them and the cheapest one is, like, $14, and I look at the other stuff in my cart and mentally tally the bill, and then I think, "Nah, I'll get a mop next time." Funny, isn't it? I have no problem plopping down $20 for a poker tournament or spending that much on martinis at happy hour, but shelling out $14 for a new mop is just too much to ask.

Anyway, it's done. And now, Jackspatula has finished removing the noxious weeds and is now scraping old paint off the garage. I must pause here and mention that I maybe have given the wrong impression of Jackspatula in the past. Yes, he does like to sleep, but when he's not sleeping, he is often working his (very cute) ass off around here. Work hard and sleep hard, that's his motto. In fact, if not for him, our yard would probably resemble the yard of the abandoned house across the street. The fact is, I hate yardwork. HATE IT. Even the supposedly fun stuff, like gardening. I will gladly take mopping the kitchen floor with a six-year-old moldy mop over yanking the weeds off the fence.

Speaking of things I hate, I was thinking about many of them while mopping the floor. They say stereotypes exist for a reason, but I am perhaps the exception that proves the rule. For example:

Things the Average American Middle-Class Woman in Her 30s Is Sterotypically Supposed to Like, But I Do Not:

• Gardening
• Shopping
• Recreational sewing
• Baking
• Talking on the phone
• Children (kidding! or am I . . . ?)

And, conversely,

Things the Average American Middle-Class Woman in Her 30s Is Not Stereoptypically Supposed to Like, But I Do:

• Sex
• Beer
• Football
• Gambling
• Loud guitars
• When her husband goes out with the boys

So just be careful when you stereotype, people. Gender roles are not always what they seem. Now I have to go finish vacuuming and dusting and then think of something to prepare for dinner while my husband scrapes the garage and mows the lawn.

At last, I have arrived!

Finally, after a year of admittedly sporadic and nonthematic blogging, I have been blessed with . . . an anonymous commenter! Surely, this is every bloggers dream come true! (Actually, every bloggers dream come true would be someone of power and influence reading your blog, deciding you must get paid for it, and then eventually offering you a book deal . . . but baby steps, people.) Actually, in truth, I have received a couple of anonymous comments in the past, but nothing like this one. While I feel that such effort must be rewarded, I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to respond. Howdy seems a bit . . . unbalanced, but he did pay me a compliment, and I'm a sucker for compliments. (Aren't we all?) But, is the compliment merely a ploy to deflect from the fact that he blatantly plugged four of his own sites in his comment? You just can't decipher people's motives these days, and the job is particularly difficult when you are dealing with:

• A long quote from George Carlin (appropos as it may be), followed by
• The aforementioned compliment, followed by
• An appeal to me to acknowledge a God-like figure in my blog (but sorry, Howdy, I'm an atheist. Or an agnostic. I can never decide. I guess I'm agnostic about whether I'm an atheist or an agnostic.), followed by
• A mystifying, undecipherable statement about how I should treat others, followed by
• A long Bible passage/Byrds lyrics, followed by
• A sign-off with right-wing rant postscript, followed by
• The aforementioned blatant plugs.

This guy's kind of all over the place! But thanks, Howdy, for taking the time. I hope you keep tuning in.

POKER UPDATE: Actually, I didn't play any poker yesterday at all! I didn't feel very well, and when there's money on the line, a headache and flu-like symptoms can be an impediment. Also drunkenness, that can be an impediment too. So, to recap, the best time to play poker is when you are healthy and relatively sober. Like now!

Unfortunately, I have to do some housework. The reason I have to housework is because Jackspatula is outside working hard to remove the "noxious weeds" growing in the alley behind our house. (More on this later.) As everyone knows, when your spouse is working hard at something (as opposed to sleeping on the couch), you are not permitted to sit on your ass playing some game--you must work hard at something, too. That's one of the great things about marriage--you can guilt each other into actually getting stuff done.

About the "noxious weeds": a couple of weeks ago, we got a notice from the city informing us that we must get rid of said weeds, which are supposedly impeding the path of the garbage trucks, or "action will be taken." We are not the only ones who got this notice--our entire block got one. So basically, our entire block has been threatened, on paper, by the city--the same city that refuses to do anything about the abandoned house across the street, where "noxious weeds" are growing all over the lawn, and where allegedly there is a rabid badger living in the garage. The city has some very strange priorities.

Two for One Special

As long as I'm in the blogging mood, why not post twice in one day?

Random Thoughts:

1. The whole "For Dummies" craze of how-to books has gotten completely out of hand. I thought things were bad a couple of years ago, when I was in Barnes & Noble and passed the display of "Breast Cancer for Dummies." But now, I think this is even worse. How low are we going to sink, people?
2. Why, oh why, when one buys a pair of pants at The Best Store in the World (i.e., Target), does it inevitably come with one of those stupid, cheap, ugly, already-in-the-loops belts that no one past third grade would ever, ever wear? What do people do with these belts? I throw mine away immediately, but I always feel kind of guilty. I'm always thinking, some kid in Indonesia got paid 7 cents an hour to make this belt, and here I am just throwing it away.
3. The truest thing I've ever heard in my life was spoken years ago by George Carlin, when he said, "When you're driving on the highway, everyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and everyone driving faster than you is an asshole." I think of this whenever I'm driving on the highway. It is so true.
4. I dripped candle wax all over the desk, the floor, and my pants. Again. Dammit.
5. I'm so lucky to have a husband who doesn't complain about my excessive online-poker playing. Of course, I return the favor by not complaining about his favorite hobby, sleeping. Today, for example, he got up at the crack of 12:45, made us some eggs and toast, and then plopped down on the couch, where he is sleeping now, again. Meanwhile, after blogging, I can play some poker. It's the perfect arrangement.
6. This site, which Burb sent around to all of us again this week, is, was, and always will be the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life.
7. Barak_Obama really is as wonderful as everyone says he is. He was on "Wait_Wait_Don't_Tell_Me" this morning, and he was smart and funny and utterly charming. I may be in love.
8. I don't care what anyone says, and I don't care if Tom Cruise is insane (which, of course, he is), "War of the Worlds" is a great movie.
9. It should not cost $250 to rent a car for four days in Seattle, but it does. (More on our upcoming Seattle trip later.)
10. The ibuprofen is just not working today. Maybe I should try that "sleeping" thing that Jackspatula is so fond of.

Let's try this again . . .

Anyone who reads my blog is very familiar with the experience of logging on to my blog (which, ideally, is stored in their "Favorites" folder) with great anticipation . . . only to be disappointed again and again. Why? Because there is no new blog entry. Why? Because I don't blog enough. Why?

We all know the answer to that, don't we, people? It's the demon, the mistress, the bane of my existence, my precious . . . online poker.

Online poker to me is what The Ring is to Gollum. (Wow, my LOTR-fanatic coworkers are going to be so impressed! Not only did I pull off a particularly astute analogy, I even remembered the name of the little freaky creature, and I think I even spelled it right!) Time and time again, I go to the computer with every intention of blogging . . . and there's that little UltimateBet icon just sitting on my desktop, calling to me. All those online poker ads they show on T.V. about every 5 seconds are right--it is so easy, just a couple clicks and you're in a game, any time, day or night!

But I have a new plan, and I must say, it's pretty fucking brilliant. When I'm torn between blogging and playing online poker, why not blog . . . [dramatic pause] . . . ABOUT online poker! It is perfect, isn't it?

Now, for those of you who are completely and utterly sick of hearing me talk about online poker all the time (and that's probably all of you), don't worry--I'm not going to blog only about online poker. It will just be an incentive to get me on the blog, where I will give my poker update and then go on with my usual rants and raves and bitching. I've been inspired by this fellow blogher ("blogher" is a female blogger--get it?), whose site Dr. Actually turned me on to this past week. If you've got some time, check it out--good stuff.

Anyway, here's my resolution: to try to blog every other day, and to never let three days go by without blogging. (Please stop laughing in disbelief. Really, stop it.)

And so, without further ado, I present the very first

POKER UPDATE: I played for about two hours last night after Jackspatula and I got home from a party. Last night was unusual in that I played a ring game rather than a tournament. (For the uninitiated, a ring game is just a regular game, where you sit at a table and play for as long as you want, with all of your money or as much of it as you want to bring to the table. In a tournament, you pay a set fee--for me, it's usually $10 or $20--and get a certain number of chips, and you play until you win or get knocked out.) It was also unusual in that I played limit instead of no-limit. I brought $100 to the table, and over the course of two hours I went up and down continuously between $80 and about $130. When I finally quit, I had $120, so I was up $20--a fairly good run! (And much better than finishing down $100, which has happened in the past.)