What the @&$*VIAG&%$ENLARG#*&??

We’ve all gotten those junk e-mails with misleading subject lines meant to hide the true intention of the e-mail sender. I will sometimes get e-mails with subjects like “Regarding your request,” “About your account,” or “Sorry it took me so long to get back to you!” from people and institutions I’ve never met or had dealings with. That’s why we all follow the rule about never opening anything from a person or company whose name you don’t recognize . . . right?

So why, why, why are there so very many junk e-mails floating around out there, still? Someone must be opening them, right? If no one ever opened them, it seems the senders wouldn’t get anything out of it and would stop, right? Is there some basic tenet of capitalism that I’m missing here? So I just don’t get that in the first place.

Even more mystifying, however, is why there are still so many e-mails floating around with obviously bogus or altered subject lines. We’ve all seen them, e-mails with titles like “free#V1AGR4samp7e,” or something similar. WHO IS OPENING THESE E-MAILS? WHO IS THAT STUPID??? I’m not angry, just utterly flabbergasted.

And finally, we have the completely bizarre and indecipherable. Today, at work no less, I received an e-mail with the following subject line:

ablution tunic communicant nearby scheme papoose hymn

Now I ask you . . . honestly, I don’t even know what to ask. What the fuck could possibly be contained in the body of this e-mail?? Also, who is stupid enough to actually put the word “scheme” in the subject line of their e-mail scheme??

And suddenly, I was hit by a completely unnerving thought. If I hadn’t been at work, I might possibly have opened that e-mail just to see what was in there. Simple curiosity. See where I’m going here?

I ALMOST BECAME PART OF THE PROBLEM!

Whew, that was a close one.

And by the way, one of my favorite subject lines of all time appeared recently, luckily in the junk mail box of my personal account:

Penilious Erectus

(No photo available.)