A little too cute . . .

I've been sitting here at the computer for 15 minutes, trying unsuccessfully to write due to one of my cats, Stinkers, sitting in my lap and doing that little cat dance that they do where they knead their front paws into your leg. I hate to make him stop because he's just so damn happy, eyes half closed, purring. Although people with kids roll their eyes to hear me say it, he's like a baby. (I know, I know, pets are not like kids, it's insulting to compare them, I have no idea, etc. etc.) Please understand, I've had this cat since he was the size of a large cotton ball, and he used to sleep on my shoulder. He's not a kid, but we're close. And it's hard to write when he's sitting in my lap, because he no longer resembles a large cotton ball--more like a very large wad of cotton candy, if that cotton candy weighed the same as a 12-pound bag of flour. So you see the dilemma.

Speaking of Stinkers, I've been noticing lately that I no longer call any of our pets by their
"real" names. Stinkers' real name is Alex (which was in itself shortened from Alexander the Great), but as his personality has revealed itself over the past several years, it's become apparent he doesn't resemble a legendary warrior so much as he resembles . . . a Stinkers. So there we are. Darby is still sometimes just Darby, but more often he is Darbie-do, or even D.D. (a recent development). Jackspatula and I both seldom call our dog Josie anymore--a long time ago, she became Josie-doe, which eventually evolved to just Doe, and which now has morphed into The Doe. Why do we do this? I guess it's just an extension of the endearments humans use to address each other (and in fact, I'm having a hard time remembering when Jackspatula last used my name when directly addressing me), but it all seems a bit cutesy, doesn't it?

You know what else is a bit cutesy? When someone claims to be politically neutral or even slightly conservative but is actually extremely conservative. What could the advantage be in doing this? Well, then one can claim to do “objective” research, and then when the results magically come out to show Bush and crew as flawless demigods worthy of the blind worship of peons, then that “neutral” person can present these results as “the truth.” I have a colleague who loves to do this, and it just pissed me off today. Here’s a newsflash, Mr. Neutral: the Drudge Report is not objective! Why don’t you just drop this whole “detached scholar” thing once and for all?? Then you can be openly condescending and disdainful of everyone else’s intellect and opinions; you will no longer have to hide behind the false veil of “objectivity.” It could be very liberating! I should know--I'm often condescending and disdainful, but as least I don't pretend to be something I'm not!

Just had to vent a little there.

Longest Hangover Ever

And that's saying something, because I've had some doozies.

I'm speaking, of course, of the election hangover. While many in the country, only peripherally involved in politics and mindful of the need to get back to their lives, have already moved on, Jackspatula and I continue to grieve. But we're not alone. If you ever listen to Air America, you know what I mean. Has anyone noticed the faint but very foul stench that has been slowly creeping over the nation since Black Tuesday? That would be the now oh-too-familiar stink of Election Fraud.

But now, a brief interlude to quote from a particularly astute textbook passage discussing the American system of government, as summed up by the Founders when they were first laying out the rules for the Constitution:

" 'The only way it could fail is if one party gained control of not just the Executive, but also the Senate and House chambers, and upon doing so, proceeded to bring in like-minded judges!!!!' And then the Framers all laughed and laughed and laughed." --from America, The Book, by Jon Stewart and the cast of the Daily Show

O.K., so it's a fake textbook. But seriously, has anyone noticed that we now have complete one-party control in this country?? Yes, of course you've noticed. See how bored you are already? And herein lies the danger. DON'T GET BORED!! DON'T GET COMPLACENT!!

Of course, there's nothing wrong with kicking back for a bit, relaxing, seeing where things go. Personally, I'm curious about what the Roving Moron's administration is going to do with the mess that is EVERYTHING going on right now. Curious and terrified.

[An aside: There was a suggestion today on Air America to try an experiment in which we all start replacing the word "fuck" with "rove" (as in Karl Rove) wherever applicable and appropriate in speech and writing. Imagine the possibilities! Here are only a few:

"What the rove was that??"
"What the rove?!"
"What a roving idiot."
"That is abso-roving-lutely ridiculous."
"They really roved things up."
"We are roved."

Try it! S'fun.]

JAMES CARVILLE UPDATE: The only bright spot in the entire election coverage, as far as I'm concerned, is that the Ragin' Cajun was seen commenting on various talk shows last week, and he looks much better. He looks healthier, his color is better, and he seems, in fact, to have put on weight in his forehead, if that's possible. I worry about ol' James. He was, after all, the inspiration for this blog in the first place. [See my first blog posting ever.] I heard that he had cancer, and I fervently hope he's licked it.

Cheesy Music Lyrics Night

O.K., the lyrics themselves aren't cheesy--it's my sappy commentary on them that's going to be cheesy. After my night of seething rage, my morning of abject depression, my afternoon of scoffing disbelief, and my evening of commiserating with Jackspatula, hugging my dog, and scrubbing the bathroom furiously, I am feeling a bit . . . sentimental.

I am not a negative person. I can't stay in a funk. I just can't . . . deal, man, with that. One must carry on, live life. Over the past several years, I've become very good at forgiving myself. It's just not worth it, agonizing endlessly, no matter how bad you fuck up. Accept responsibility for it, deal with it, move on. As a prerequisite for forgiving myself, I made a deal with myself--to be forgiving of others as well. This has worked out well--seems to be a good philosophy. I'm sticking with it.

I'm not forgiving those frigging rednecks who voted for Bush, though. Not yet. I'm only human. I'll forgive them when they hit middle age and have no retirement money or health care. The evangelicals I can forgive now--they can't help themselves.

Anyhoo, tonight I am listening to one of my comfort CDs--"Smile" by the Jayhawks. It's one of those CDs where I can relate the lyrics to any given situation, so each track is kind of like a different song each time I listen to it. Tonight, for example . . .

Track 1: Smile
"Smile when you're down and out"--what I and many others did today.

Track 2: I'm Gonna Make You Love Me
This is a song from America to all of us citizens: "I'll never be all you want me to, but that's alright."

Track 3: What Led Me to This Town
"I woke up one day and my dreams were gone"--see what I mean about the cheesy part?

Track 4: Somewhere in Ohio
"Somewhere in Ohio, there are a bunch of redneck idiots who voted for Bush!" O.K., those really aren't the lyrics, but it's just too irresistible. Plus, the phrasing really works, because my own county did go for Kerry . . . but somewhere in Ohio . . . all right, you get it.

Track 5: A Break in the Clouds
This is Jackspatula's and my wedding song. He is my break in the clouds. (Sorry, more cheese, but it's true. Love you, baby!)

Track 6: Queen of the World
Hmm . . . it's a good song, but I got nothing. Could be Laura Bush's theme song, I suppose, but I don't want to think of it in that way.

Track 7: Life Floats By
"In my mind, in my soul, I never really loved you." What I am petulantly saying to Kerry tonight. You hate to kick a guy when he's down, but anger is a natural part of the grieving process. Besides, he'll never know.

Track 8: Broken Harpoon
"New lines were drawn and rules were made." This is our oh-too-near-future. Prepare yourself. Title of the track itself could also be interpreted as symbolic of the Democratic National Committee's strategy.

Track 9: Pretty Thing
"You're such a pretty thing, I taught you everthing you know." This is obviously Karl Rove whispering adoringly in W's ear. Duh.

Track 10: Mr. Wilson
This one requires a full refrain quote:
"Your doubt is your undoing
Afraid to open your door
You're still too busy screwing
Up the battle and the war."
This goes out to . . . you know . . . everyone who voted for . . . you know. Too obvious. But eloquent.

Track 11: In My Wildest Dreams
Wow, these are getting more and more transparent, aren't they? But this track, more than any other, requires extensive quoting. Guess who I have in mind here?
"The more I get to know you
The less that I admire
I fade as the unholy light surrounds you
I'm mystified you got so high
You had so far to fall
What you don't own, you beg, you steal, you borrow."
Kind of brings a tear, doesn't it? A tear of RAGE!!! O.K., moving on.

Track 12: Better Days
Another obvious one. Quotables/inspirational:
"I've seen better days."
"Too late for hope, but a dream remembered."
"What you regret are the things you never do." (A more general observation.)

Track 13: Baby, Baby, Baby
"I would have run, but I never saw it coming." So true. But moving to the Netherlands is kind of impractical, anyway.

That's it. It's important to note that I accidentally listened to the CD on random, so the last track I heard was "Better Days." Remember the dream, folks.

In the words of Travis*, peace the fuck out.

(*The band, not you T-boy--but it was great to hear from you! Congrats on your baby girl! I'll call soon.)

Unfuckingbelievable

I can't believe it. I just can't believe the people of this country elected that nimrod. I really can't.

I am shocked and completely disgusted.

Here's what I do believe:

I believe that tonight George W. Bush is thanking his god that 9/11 happened. Without it, he never would have been elected today. He never would have had a platform, ever--a platform of all war, all the time. He wouldn't have been able to gleefully and joyously send people off to die in order to glorify himself.

I believe what I have resisted believing for a long time: that the majority of people in this country are woefully ignorant and easily, oh-so-easily manipulated and led around by their noses like gaping, mindless sheep.

I believe that for some people, if George W. Bush showed up at their door, slapped them in the face, and spit on them, they would still vote for him.

I believe that The Big Swing State just swung its big foot around and kicked itself in the ass.

I believe that we are truly about to enter the era of Big Government--that is, Big Government coming into your home and dictating everything you are or are not permitted to do in your personal life. It will play out something like this: "Hello, Big Government, come on in, have a seat! Let me introduce you to my life partner. Oh, I'm not allowed to have a life partner? You mean, if I'm desperately ill and in the hospital, this person's not allowed to visit me? And if I want to leave my worldly possessions to this person, I really can't, because even if I have a will and all the proper documentation, my family could contest the whole thing and easily win? Oh. Well, how about personal decisions between me and my doctor about my health and my body? Oh, you're going to take charge of that too? Well, you know best--whatever you say goes!"

Of course, all of this has come about because MORAL VALUES ranked so highly in the "issues" people considered when voting today. Apparently you can send people off to die in an ill-conceived war, do absolutely nothing to improve health care, slap an unfunded, ineffective band-aid on education, etc. etc., and still be considered "moral." A funny kicker to this was that Bill Frist was one of those blabbing with the talking heads tonight about the "moral values issue." This is a man who, when he was in medical school, would go to animal shelters, lie and tell them he wanted to "adopt" cats, and then take them home and kill them--all in the name of science! Which is funny, because his party doesn't even believe in science! See how hilarious it is!!

Have fun reaping what you've sown, America. May your children forgive you.

Rainy Day Women

Well. It's been quite a day. According to the CNN clock, we have 56:06 until election results will start to be tallied by the networks, who are, of course, extremely reticent after their disastrous coverage four years ago. Here in The Big Swing State, I am home after an exhilirating, exhausting, frustrating, and ultimately, hopefully, triumphant day. I have kissed my dog, cracked a beer, and put on some Dylan, and I am now waiting for the results to roll in. Also waiting for the return of the intrepid Jackspatula, who decided to vote after work. He is no doubt standing in line, at this very moment, in the same stuffy gynasium in which I spent the better part of my morning. I feel for you, baby!

As I sit cozy in my house, many others are out there now, in the pouring rain that is currently gracing The Big Swing State, exercising their constitutional rights. Why does it always rain on Election Day?

I refuse to make any predictions at this point. I will say that I have been extremely encouraged, all day, by the incredible turnout. Why would so many people turn out, wait in line, put up with so much bullshit, just to extend the status quo? This one is about CHANGE, baby.

Feeling good in The Big Swing State. It's 6:25. More later.

Remember stuffy school gymnasiums?

Boy, I do! Especially since I just spent three hours in one!

I suspected the wait would be long, but I was not prepared for the massive, snaking line that awaited me when I showed up at the school down the street where I vote. I brought a book, but of course I couldn't read . . . too much excitement, too many people talking, too much confusion. Also a lot of familiar faces, and a lot of "Don't I know you from __________?" Also, did I mention that it was unbelievably stuffy in there? I'm surprised no one passed out. Still, it's better than being fired upon, so . . .

Now I'm off to drive people to the polls. Or at least, to drive some people to a poll, because if this is going to take three hours every time, I won't be making very many trips.

GO KERRY!!!

The Big Day

How does it feel to be America's Sweetheart? If you lived at the very heart of The Big Swing State, you would know that feeling today! Everybody loves us, everybody wants us, everybody needs us! I turned on CNN early this morning, and not only my state but my very county was the hot topic. Those of you whose votes don't really count this year (hello, New York!) don't have to deal with all of this, but here, we got issues. There is a big controversy over challenging voters' legitimacy, and apparently there has been a ruling that poll monitors (mostly Republican) are allowed to hover over the voting tables, determining who they think may not be valid voters and ordering the poll workers to . . . I don't know, interrogate them? Strip search? And by the way, for those of you who don't speak GOP pollster, "questionable voters" = "African Americans." God bless democracy.

I'm off to vote myself, and then I'll be driving people to the polls. Will check back in later.

Saturation Horizon?

Well, tomorrow's the big day, and it can't come fast enough for those of us in The Big Swing State. Over the past several days, we (and I mean all of us, everyone I've talked to) have been completely saturated with phone calls and pollsters coming to our doors. While I do appreciate their efforts, and I hope fervently that it's doing some good, I have to say . . . enough! We have a Kerry sign in our yard, our cars are plastered with bumper stickers, and both Jackspatula and I are on everyone's list as "strong Kerry supporters." If we're not going to vote, no one is frigging going to vote!!

O.K., I feel better.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful for all the hard work people are doing--I think it's great. And it's kind of nice getting phone calls from Bill Clinton, Vanessa Kerry, and the mayor. The problem is, I'm planning on volunteering tomorrow in some capacity, and I don't want to be one of these people who has become annoying to me lately.

Tomorrow--notes from the campaign trail. Well, not literally from the trail, since I don't have a laptop (and there won't really be a trail per se, any more), but you know what I mean.

GO KERRY!!!